Your consciousness is the only thing you can ever know for certain is real. If everything you’ve ever known was a projection of your senses, wouldn’t that make all of life a dream anyway? that’s how I feel. We are all dreaming together in these carbon vehicles we call bodies, contributing our imagination to everyone’s experience.

• old man: hey baby you better call life alert cuz i’ve fallen for you and i can’t get up

you know how people say “shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars”?

actually, besides the sun, the closest star is over 4 light-years away

so if you miss, you’ll just be floating through the dark void of space for the rest of eternity until you are dead, just like your dreams

Does Canada even have a president or is it just whichever moose has the strongest antlers 

I hate when you say “I hate that song” and someone goes “well you have to admit it’s catchy”

the fucking plague is catchy that doesn’t mean it’s good

“I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. ‘So,’ I tried to delicately ask, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?’ ‘Well,’ she responded, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?’”

how many sad lonely depressed teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb

1 apparently because i just had to do it 

 I find it really awkward when people ask a baby who can’t speak yet what it’s name is and the mom just has to answer for them.